Where do we go from here?
by cpsdlg
Summary: This story is based in the events showed in the mid-season finale 7x10, when Donna decides it is about time to show Harvey how she is feeling.
1. Chapter 1

This whole situation with Jessica was a brand-new nightmare to him, after what they all have been through… Having to see Mike in prison, Donna almost ending up in jail as well. Good Lord! His neck shivers with those memories.

However, differently from those other times, when they all fought together for the greater good, this time Jessica didn't want to put up a fight, she was convinced that being disbarred in NYC wasn't going to affect her new life in Chicago.

This change in her behavior really took him by surprise, when he would think that the mighty Jessica, his mentor, would simply walk away from her firm, and for what?! To follow her heart, pursuit her love, build a relationship with Malone. That was for sure something new, that he wouldn't have foreseen coming.

He would have to help Louis to walk the same hard path of acceptance that he just had to face towards this particularly annoying decision took by Jessica. Louis would lose it for sure, he would try to convince him that he had not thought this whole thing properly, that he had to figure out a way to keep Jessica.

Deep in his heart he knew that somehow, they could figure out a way, but would they do it against Jessica best judgment? That didn't sound right.

Donna might be just the right person to help him out to convince Louis. He needed his financial lawyer in his best form, in order to take care of Jessica's buy out. Ouch that would scratch their pockets, but money was the least of their problems.

Donna would have to help him to think an honored way out of the Office to Jessica. This way they could sell to the market and to the clients that the firm was still standing, even so at its best shape, and not falling apart with yet another scandal. They would have to act fast, before the news spread and nothing that they might do would make any difference…

Maybe a farewell party, announcing that the firm was branching out to Chicago, " _yeah, that could work_ ". With luck, they could organize it within a couple of days, Rachel could help Donna put it together, and they could profit with the fact that Jessica was still in town, and would attend it.

With his mind lost in thoughts, he barely realized he had already arrived at PSL offices from his encounter with Jessica at his apartment. Hopefully he would still find Donna and Louis to discuss this throughout the night.

Besides, since he rashly gave his house keys to Paula, being at home was a bit uncomfortable, not having control at what time she might show up is utterly annoying. _What on earth was I thinking? At what point I became the person who celebrates two months' anniversary?_ He remembers mocking Donna for celebrating six months' anniversary with her former boyfriend, that event hurt him back then, and he must confess, even now, it is not a sweet memory.

Running away from this trail of thoughts he arrives at Louis' office only to find it empty, _"damn it"._

He kept walking along the hall until he sees Donna at her office!

 _"_ _Good, you are still here. Where is Louis? Cause I have some news, and I think you should both…"_

While he talked, he could briefly notice that Donna was a bit off, not really paying attention to what he was saying, looking kind of defeated, but, before que could really acknowledge anything she marched into him and kissed him. His mind went completely numb, not one coherent thought could survive the forceful sensation caused by her warm body against his. At that split second his whole existence was reduced to the touch of her lips against his lips, to be frank the whole universe, the time, everything was reduced, was minimal, when compared to what that simple gesture was causing to him.

A desire wave was taking everything inside him, as he starts kissing her back, memories of the other time, the one never mentioned, carefully and deeply buried out of his mind during many years, were emerging stronger than ever. Flashes of her soft porcelain skin, completely naked, underneath him were now being feed by her lovely touch on his neck and his face, this touch was sending electric waves throughout his body, that he could feel his pants getting tighter around his manhood. But before que could properly react to what was happening, before he could realize that it wasn't one of his dreams about Donna, – that always ended up with him waking up alone and with an uncomfortable aching in his groin – just when he would deepen the kiss, she stopped it.

That face, framed by that living color hair, those greenish eyes looking into his owns, made his knees weaken. OMG, how can anyone be so beautiful?! Being able to admire her everyday made him used to such lovely face, at a point he started taking it for granted. But right now, as the two of them are the only two existing souls in the world, he was overwhelmed with such beauty.

What had just happened?!

 _"_ _I am sorry, Harvey. I just had to know"._

And with that she was gone.

If his mind was numb just moments before, now it was rushing with a million thoughts, each one of them competing with each other to drive him crazy and keeping him completely paralyzed.

How come that small and brief kiss could have made him feel so many things? Excitement, fear, anger, desire, and maybe love? Definitely love.

 _What was she thinking? Did she just break her own rule? What on earth she would know by kissing me? Was she in love with me? Was she confused with what she was felling? Am I confused? Do I love that crazy woman? Where is she going? Is she going to tell me what the fuck she figured out?_

 _What the fuck am I going to do now?_

Her touch worked as a small spark lighted up inside a small room filled with explosives.

From the first moment he met Donna early in his life he knew she was special, at least very special to him. Her sassy manners, her remarks on his attitudes and appearance, her terrific job as an assistant, day after day she became essential to him, she was his friend, confident, co-worker, and he wished very much she was his lover too, but he had to respect her rule. Until one day, there was no need to keep that rule anymore, thanks to Donna, he had taken a better career path and was out the DA's office.

He showed up at her door, hoping that she felt the same desire for him that he felt for her, the lust and the sexual tension between the two of them was almost unbearable. He truly thought that he would surprise her, but she is Donna, and she is awesome. She not only was not surprise to see him, she was in fact waiting for him, wielding in her hand whip cream that they once joked about. That night was memorable, he never again was able to taste a whip cream and not remember her taste…

After that single night they shared, Donna came back to work for him and he had to suppress all his desires. Every day was a new challenge, looking at those long legs and avoiding to remember them firmly around him, watching her cleavage and telling himself that he would never again feel her soft and yet firm breast in his hands, without mentioning that rosy nipples hardening in his mouth…

She was deliciously sexy, and he would love to make love with her again, but he certainly wasn't ready to commitment back then, so he wouldn't jeopardize their professional and personal relationship adding romance and drama to it.

Donna was too important, she kept him on track. All those years, he has shared with her his best and his worse, nobody knew him like her. She was never ashamed to tell him whatever she felt was the right thing to do or to point out to him when he was wrong, all those things that nobody else would have the guts to say to him she would say, making a better man and a better lawyer out of him.

Respecting her rule became easier when he thought that the alternative would be not having her at all. So, in order to keep her near, because he simply couldn't see his life without her, he preferred for more than 12 years hide his feelings. She was his friend, his best friend. She was special and different than everybody else. He would do anything for her, and yes, he loved her. But loved how?

The true is that the last couple of years things got trickier, and that question kept popping in his head, as Donna was insisting in appear in his dreams, always with so tiny or none outfit.

That night, at her place, celebrating their victory on the Liberty Rail case, he had to tell her how much she meant to him. He gladly took time to take care of her, just as she had demanded him amid his attempts to save her in court. It was not a surprise when, without any kind of effort, this moment they shared quickly built up to a sexual tension. He must admit he ran away, he didn't want to break her rule, and staying in that same room which he had already visited her years ago was a hell of a test to his will, so he left, but not before confessing her that he loved her.

That night, he now recognizes, was the first blow in their facade relationship, the first time in years they acknowledge that there was something more than professionalism and friendship. After that, Donna brought up the same question he kept asking himself, "Love me how?", but he was not brave enough to admit not even to himself his feelings.

 _"_ _OMG, what have I done?!"_

The guilt sensation rises once he realizes that, somehow, he is directly responsible for tonight's event.

It was only fair that Donna wanted to understand what kind of love he was talking about, but they argued, she left him, panic attacks came and, with them, came Paula.

 _"_ _Paula"_

 _"_ _Shit"_

Only now he thought about Paula, that became his safe harbor, someone that had nothing to do with the ordinary craziness that is his workplace, someone he felt comfortable with.

 _"_ _What am I thinking?! Comfortable? Paula is not a couch, she is not supposed to be comfy. I am supposed to love her, want her"._

With that, remorse completely washed over him. She has been nothing but kind and loving, she did not deserve that.

It was a fact that Donna, knowing him too well, broke the kiss before he really had the chance to react and properly kiss her back, so he could argument he wasn't technically cheating on Paula.

However, Donna could not have controlled what he would actually feel, so her maneuver didn't work at all, because he was certain with every fiber of his being that, inspite what he hasn't done, what he wanted to do to Donna was the real problem, and that burning desire was making him just as much of a cheater anyway. His mind could picture too well what would have happened if Donna didn't stop, he would like very much to take and have her at that moment, at that table…

 _"_ _Fuck"._

With that he wakes up from his own thoughts, he has no idea how long he was standing there.

 _"_ _Donna?" He_ shouts.

No answer. She must be in the building, she left her office without her bag.

He looks for her in the restrooms, conference room, his old office, her old desk.

Defeated, he goes up to the rooftop, some air would help him clear his mind, and just as he stopped looking for her it is when he found her.

Her tall and lean figure was looking into the skyline, lost in thoughts. So beautiful. This thought made him angry and frustrated with himself, so he decides that is time to come clear with her.

 _"_ _What was that all about? I thought that we had an agreement"_

She didn't answer, nor even looked back at him. He felt aggravated.

 _"_ _I assume that you also remember that I am taken"._

Bingo, with that he manages to make her look his way.

 _"_ _Look Harvey, I told you and I meant it. I am sorry that I put you in that position. But, at the same time, I needed you, I needed to try it, so I could understand what I am feeling"._

 _"_ _Disregarding my feelings?"_

 _"_ _Yes Harvey, feeling surprise that I am capable of doing something for myself? Or do you think it was God's will to bring me to the word just to serve and please you, sir._ "

Sir? She was being able to be ironic, when she was the one that caused all of this?!

Ok, he knew he played his part, all those years, teasing, confessing his feelings... In addition, it was her rule after all, if someone was entitled to bring it down, it would be her. But why now?! She had years to bring it down and chose to be interested about her own feelings now that he was experiencing a healthy relationship?

 _"_ _Sorry Donna, to make this all about me. Would you be kind enough to explain me what did you learn after kissing me? The lesson was worthy making me a cheater?"_

He was decided that he wouldn't make it easier for her.

She looked directly at him, and shortened the distance between the two of them.

" _You see. I had to learn at a really young age what struggle is. Everything that I own came from really hard work. Every morning I wake up and tell myself that I will be a good and loving person, sympathetic to others feelings and a dedicated professional. I always dreamt about being an actor, to perform is my passion, but I overlooked my dream to have financial security and to help you fulfill yours, and I don't regret it. My rule existed so nobody would look at me and accuse me to fuck my way up. It wasn't easy, seeing you every single day and telling myself that the feeling would eventually go away. But it never went away, because the truth is you can never go back. And I never went back, I am in love with you Harvey, and I guess, somehow, I always have been. That could easily explain all my shitty relationships."_

 _"_ _Donna, I am sorry …"_

He was in shock of how open she was being and his anger and bad attitude were gone already. He has never enrolled such an open and personal conversation with anyone before.

Not to talk about their personal feelings was part of their relationship dynamic, and as she speaks, he realized with fear that she was burning all the bridges, that he would not be able in the next morning to just shove everything under de carpet and pretend that nothing has happened, as he had done before.

He would have to deal with it. The realization hit him hard, just in the moment that he needed to focus in the office, his personal life was taking a leap he definitely wasn't ready. But when would he be ready? When would be the perfect time and location to access his feelings for Donna, which he has been keeping inside the "it is complicated" box, stored in the "denial" closet of his mind and heart for years.

 _"_ _I haven't finished Harvey... Now I came to think, what good all this self-constrain has brought me? I am risking losing you forever to Paula, or to the next one, and yet I was slayed at court, being public accused to be your secretary with benefits. In the sight of others, only because of this alleged affair that I had had with you that I could possibly have accomplished my promotion. And you see, it wasn't the first time! Nobody looks at me and sees a competent professional, all that Louis, Tenner, Hardman, Malik and many others see when they look at me is your comfort women!"._

The poor woman just purred her heart out, she just laid all her cards. She looked tired, defeated, frustrated and exposed.

 _"_ _So when you asked me what did I learn from that kiss, I guess I learnt that maybe, if you feel the smallest thing towards me, we have lost a hell of time that we could have enjoyed a real relationship with each other, instead of worrying myself about what others would think, when at the end it doesn't matter, because despite what I actually do, people are already thinking that I was fucking you anyway"._


	2. Chapter 2

A pool of tears started to form in her eyes. To watch that beautiful and powerful woman in such a vulnerable place was breaking his heart. He would like very much to comfort her, but he was a little broken too and honestly afraid of saying anything that might come out wrong and only make her feel worse.

He would like to hug her and make it all go away, but which would be the consequences of such proximity? He had no idea on how to be nice, it was Donna's job to help his emotionally immature self out in exactly those kind of situation, she always was the one to tell him that he had screwed things with Scottie, or that he needed to go easier on Mike, or to fix things with his mom, or to be patient with Louis. It was an endless list.

How come he would coup with this emotional bomb without his Donna to tell him what he should do? Knowing too well that his A game wasn't on the emotional field, he tried to break down his problem to the logical grounds, where he feels comfortable in his own skin and is able to navigate more easily.

He was a practical person, so once Donna explained where her mind was and how she was feeling when she abruptly kissed him her action made sense to him. She was feeling underappreciated and exposed.

Nevertheless, that conclusion only made him, always so sure of himself, muddled and a bit scared. _What if she is only being this open about her feelings because she is this vulnerable? What if she is just confused and isn't actually in love with me and realizes it in the morning and regrets kissing me?_

That thought made his heart shrink. He knew that if Donna weren't actually in love with him everything would be easier, so both of them could jump to the old routine and pretend that nothing happened. But after hearing her pour her heart out, something inside him wasn't willing to go back to the former friendship pattern. That was when it came to him. _Do I want more too? Am I enjoying to know that she is in love with me? Paula once mentioned that at least part of Donna was in love with me, and that somehow I enjoyed that feeling. Maybe kissing these lovely lips again may help to figure this out… Where the hell is my head?!_

Being in touch with his own feelings was never an easy task, and every time he tried to face emotional situations it often ended up with him storming out of it with his best childish behavior. So tonight, he decides to at least try to be practical and take over control of himself and face this situation like a man _. It doesn't matter how I feel, I need to put my shit together! I am in a relationship and I need to remain faithful until I have all this mess figured out and I better start cleaning it from where I am comfortable: work._

 _With a soft voice, he approaches the subject. "Look Donna, I can relate with what you are saying, I would feel wrecked if people started to question my professional accomplishments, but I want you to know that those people don't know a thing about your intelligence and capacity, you deserve your COO position and you have been doing nothing but an incredible job for the last decade! I do owe you a great part of my success, you are an essential part of this firm, and frankly me and Louis would be completely lost without you"._

" _Thank you, that means a lot to me"._

She looked so fragile, shivering because of the cold breeze, her white skin bathed by the moonlight was so distracting, it made his emotions surface back again and his controlled facade was falling apart.

 _"_ _You have been my compass towards what is right. I am very dependent of your opinion for everything in that matter. It scares the shit out of me to imagine my life without you, maybe that is why I never had the guts to develop a personal relationship with you, because from my experience all relationships that I had ever had turned to mud. I might, in an unconscious level, never wanted to take a chance with you, because if it went sour I was risking way too much, I would be risking losing you, and the thing is… How am I supposed to live without you?"._

He finished it with frustration in his voice, almost a cry for help. _"I never really addressed this matter with you, but when I had to be without you, when you left me to work for Louis, I literally had panic attacks! That was when I looked for professional help."_

Avoiding bringing out Paula's name didn't go by unnoticed by Donna, she looked eager to approach that subject.

 _"_ _Harvey, do you think your treatment was successfully completed? I guess you are not having panic attacks anymore, but did Paula help you to figure out what kind of issues you had buried deep inside that your mind somehow thought it was an easier way out to have panic attacks rather than deal with the situation that was causing them in the first place?"_

There, he knew her a lot too. She said all that as a question, but in fact, she was stating so much more... He could tell that Donna wasn´t found of his relationship with Paula only because she was feeling jealous, but also because she believed that he was still in need to be psychologically treated and was clearly questioning whether it was even ethical for him to be with his former therapist.

He always knew that his relationship with Paula was built in a gray zone, but he sensed he could defend it considering the time they spent apart before engage in a relationship. So denying Donna an answer would only fuel her believes.

 _"_ _Paula showed me that I have some rejection issues towards my mom that I might, hum…" ._ It was damn hard to admit it! "… _that I might_ _be transferring to my relationship with you. Yet, ironically, you were actually the one that helped me out to fix things with my family… You are the only one that I turn to when everything crumbles apart"._

This last part he was acknowledging more to himself rather than to Donna.

 _"_ _So, did Paula know about 'our relationship'? I really do not understand why Paula would jump to the conclusion that you were transferring issues you had with your mother towards me. Does she know about us being together once in the past?"_

Donna could read people, and as she spoke he could sense her mind was already doing her trick, she sure knew how to ask the right questions.

 _"_ _Well, she knew everything started after you left me, besides I might had mentioned to her a few dreams that I had about you…"._ And quickly he added _"but she never knew that we … were intimate in the past_ ", hoping that this last beat would drag her attention out of the dream part.

However, she didn't buy it, he could feel she was getting tense, her face was not intrigued anymore, she was definitely pissed.

 _"_ _Come on Harvey, how far can you go denying your own feelings? You came to my house and said 'I love you Donna', I told you 'I love you, Harvey', I expressed that I wanted more, I left my job as your secretary, I helped you to solve things out with your mom, I chose you over Mark. All of that for what? To figure out that you – despite having God only knows what kind of dreams about me and telling about them to your therapist – ran away just too scared to try to love and be loved! So, you chose the first person you could find, in this case your freaking therapist in the middle of your much-needed treatment, in order to make yourself unavailable to have something 'more' with me?"_

Never in his life he felt so exposed, Donna was shouting out loud all these statements about his life and it was utterly annoying. If anyone else were so damn straight about his personal life he would be coursing his way out of the conversation, but right now they have walked so many steps, to go back in denial didn't seem like an option anymore, but he was certainly pissed to have his most serious relationship reduced to a mere escapism.

" _Look Donna-who-knows-everything, if I really did all these things that you are accusing me, I swear to you, I didn't do it on purpose, I wasn't aware that I am so in love with you, as you are claiming I am"._

Donna was with her eyes wide open, and a distasteful look in her face, she wouldn't let his provocation goes by unanswered. " _The funny thing, Harvey, is that Paula was eager to say that you were transferring your mama issues to our relationship, but she played dumb when she had to realize that you were clearly transferring the feelings that you have for me to her, it was all so convenient for her to remain silent in this matter"._

 _Enough! She not only made me cheat Paula, but was also accusing her of being unethical. She didn't know the whole history, I was the one who insisted to be with Paula, who was in a really vulnerable position too, after ending her marriage._

At this point he was beyond furious. _"You have no right to imply those things about my girlfriend, I was the one who chased after her!"._

 _Oh no._ He couldn't stand to look at her anymore, even looking down he could sense that the damaged was done _._ Before he could realize all those mean words and implications were already said and done. _Damn it!_ While she was trying to make things right, he only manages to make things way worse, he could see he had hurt her feelings, and that was the last thing he wanted.

Donna was already crying when he looked at her again.

 _"_ _I pity you Harvey! You are the one that do not know a thing and were made a fool of by Paula! While you were still in treatment I went once at Paula's clinic, looking for you to help Mike. I end up talking to her and made it clear that we had feelings towards one another. I even told her that you had no idea what you were missing by not being with me. Therefore, your lo-ve-ly therapist knew exactly where she was getting into when she chose to shred her diploma and be with you. You two certainly deserve each other. Thank you for make it easier for me to move on, I was a fool to listen to Mike's advice, you are beyond repair"._

At this point her tears were rolling down her face as she stormed away. Leaving him speechless.

 _What the hell just happened? Paula didn't guess that Donna loved him, she actually knew it? Was Paula playing with him and his feelings? Things were certainly moving faster with her than it used to with other women he had had a relationship with. Did it change anything about their relationship, the gray zone seemed… actually wrong and unethical? Did he transfer his feelings for Donna to Paula? Is that even possible? WTF did Mike advise Donna about?_

 _"_ _This is ridiculous! Why tonight of all the nights? The night that Jessica decided to leave, is this some kind of karma payback? Ahhhhh"._ He shouts in frustration.

He was furious, all aspects of his life were falling apart. He need to talk to someone, he needed to punch someone to feel less upset. _"Mike, son of bitch, might come handy, I can certainly talk to him and punch him at the same time"_.


	3. Chapter 3

_"_ _Ah come on Mike, suit up! Or at least put something on"._

Mike wearing his boxers was the last thing we wanted to see tonight, but he had so many things to discuss with his partner in crime, especially now his other sidekick managed to make herself unavailable.

He couldn't organize his thoughts, that night was taking so many absurd leaps that he was one step from believing that all of it was just a bad dream, well not entirely bad, feeling her soft body and delicious lips all over him not in a million years could be considered a bad thing.

Mike was looking completely out of his game, with a sleepy head and a confused look all over his face, as he makes room to Harvey get inside his living room.

 _"_ _What the hell Harvey, it is past midnight, I have to recover from all the booze that I had celebrating our victory, I have a woman to attend to and a boss to suck up his balls first thing in the morning at PSL, you have no idea the gigantic pain in the ass that man can be if I arrive one minute late, so if you excuse me"._

 _"_ _Please, spare me from the trivia about your sex life. I am here to talk to you or to punch your face, so help me God I can leave with the first option, so put on some damn pants, lose the shitty attitude and bring me a double Scotch"._

 _"_ _Unbelievable"._ Mike leaves the room shaking his head, and is back within minutes, fully dressed, bringing them both fresh drinks.

 _"_ _So, Harvey, what do I owe this pleasant visit at this so appropriate hours of the night? Please, be our guest, put our service to the test…"._

 _"_ _Beauty and The Beast? Really? That is all you could pull off?"_

He knew that losing the attitude was a bit too much to ask, but that is why he likes Mike in the first place, so there is no point making a big deal out of it right now.

" _Anyway, Mike, I am glad you had time to celebrate, before hearing this news."_

 _"_ _What happened, Harvey?"_

 _"_ _Malik is not a good loser, he went after Jessica, because she admitted knowing your shit, now she has been disbarred in NYC."_

 _"_ _Son of bitch! What are we going to do now?"_ That piece of information made Mike feel fully awake.

 _"_ _Jessica doesn't want to fight this battle, she said this won't affect her life in Chicago. She wants her name off the wall and want us to buy her share"_

It was hard to know if was the alcohol doing already its magic or if he simply felt comfortable talking to Mike about work, but he started to feel relaxed for the first time during this maniac night.

 _"_ _I am truly sorry Harvey for Jessica. I know what she means to you. I guess I would be lost if something like this was happening to me, I mean, if you were the one leaving. This Robin is not ready to take care of Gotham City on his own"._

 _"_ _Well me leaving isn't something you need to worry about just now. I am sorry to just show up at your place like this too, I hope I haven't disturbed Rachel"._

 _"_ _Nah, she is having her much needed and owed beauty sleep"._

 _Mike said that with a grin in his face._

 _"_ _Oh please… Well, I am actually concerned on how to approach this to the public, we are going to be exposed for a while, I don't want people to think that the firm is falling apart. Besides, many of Jessica's clients are quite attached to her, we will have to address this carefully with each of them, giving them a special attention, they are going to be courted by many law firms, that is for sure, we are going to be attacked"._

 _"_ _Do you have anything in mind already?"_

 _"_ _Yeah, I was thinking about a farewell party, announcing that the firm is branching out to Chicago. We need to do it fast, while Jessica is in town, and before Malik starts to deliver himself this news to the world. With the right approach, I think we can convince our clients to stick with us, setting new contracts with each of them"._

 _"_ _When do you expect to throw this party anyway?"_

 _"_ _Two nights from now"._

 _"_ _What?! How come are we going to find a decent place in NYC two days prior to the event? Jesus! Donna is going to kill you, but she will most likely get it done even better than our wildest dreams"._

That name brought an electric wave through his whole body, just when he started to be able to tidy his mind. Everything came back to him like a tsunami of emotions, her lips, her eyes, her tears. _Goddamned, what a piece of selfish shit I am_. _How come I let the amazing Donna, she of all people, to doubt her awesomeness, her ability to make everything perfect. Anyone that ever met her quickly realizes how brilliant she is. Yet I was the one to put her in that sad place, where she started doubting herself both personally and professionally, I even made her believe that I didn't love her or desire her, when that couldn't be further from the true._

His discomfort was visible to Mike, as he straight himself up on the armchair that he is seated on and sips his drink slowly.

Mike notices he is not at his best shape and, dropping his smugness, he adds. " _What_ _a mess Harvey, no wonder you were debating whether you wanted to talk to me or punch me. I am on the edge of punching me myself. What have I done to Jessica..."_

 _"_ _You see my friend, whether you believe it or not, that wasn't the reason why I was, better even, am considering to punch you"_

Mike looked confused, what on earth could he possibly have done worse than getting Jessica to be disbarred.

 _"_ _Wow, 'with great power' really 'comes great responsibilities', uncle Ben really knew his shit, what else have I done?"_

 _"_ _Well Spiderman, that is exactly what I wanted to know, what have you done? What piece of advice did you give to Donna concerning me? You see, the next words are going to define if you deserve or not to have your ass kicked, literally"._

He could see enlightenment hitting Mike's face, he knew perfectly well what he was talking about.

 _"_ _If you are bringing up this subject I guess that somehow she heard my advice and put it into motion"_

 _What? Mike told her to kiss me, and she just followed his lead? Am I in crazy town?_

 _"_ _What on earth were you thinking telling her to kiss me, when you know too well that I am in a relationship?!"_

 _"_ _Wow wow wow"_ Mike's face lighted up and he started to laugh.

 _"_ _What the hell Mike, you are not really helping your case here"._

Opening up about his life was just ridiculously hard for him, and Mike making fun out of it wasn't helping in it at all.

At this point, Mike was laughing so much that he was having trouble to give Harvey a straight answer.

 _"_ _Mike I swear to God that not even Rachel will be able to recognize you after I finish smashing your head against the wall"_

 _"_ _Calm down. Listen man, I will tell you the whole story. The other day Paula called me…"_

 _"_ _Paula? What did she want?"_

 _"_ _I will tell you, chill now. She wanted me to help her to get you a gift, she wanted a tip on a nice present. I figure you let her know I am your bff, and that is on you"._

Mike knowing too well that Harvey was hooked up in the story was determined to get a kick out of it.

 _What the fuck?!_ He was irritated until his core to know that Paula has done so much behind his back… Talking with Donna, calling Mike, go figure what else.

" _So, I was trying to find something neat for you sir"._

" _Drop the fake accent Mike, or I will drop my hand at your face"_

 _"_ _Ok, ok. Continuing… Rachel asked me what I was doing and I told her, so she made a comment that I might not be the right person to choose a present for you, as I am not the one that knows you better, adding that Paula would never call the right person anyway. We are talking about Donna here, in case you haven't realized."_

 _"_ _Cut the crap Mike"_

 _"_ _I asked Rachel from where that was coming, and she let me know that she had a little talk with Donna about relationships, and Donna mentioned that perhaps she regretted putting you over herself. However, Rachel thought that maybe what she really regretted was never letting you know how she feels"_

He was sad to know that Donna has been struggling with these mixed feelings for so long. She was, on top of ever thing, his dearest friend and to know that she couldn't trust him with her issues was hurting him, even more to know that when she finally had the guts to face it, and approach this matter with him, everything went badly.

 _"_ _So, you see Harvey, I respect whatever you think you are doing with Paula, but Donna is my homegirl, I wouldn't let her high and dry. She has been there for me every step of the away, so I want to see her happy too. That is why I encouraged her to think if there were the smallest chance that you two might ever want to be together, and I told her to tell you how she feels, or she might lose the chance of ever saying it to you"_

 _How stupid I am_! He just realized why Mike was laughing so hard when he was confronted about the kiss. _He didn't tell Donna to kiss me, that was the way she chose to show her feelings…_

 _"_ _Roberta and Reginald sitting in the tree, K-i-s-s-i-n-g, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes bab.. No no, Harvey, please, please I will behave"_

At this point, Harvey had already grabbed Mike by the shirt and was ready to punch his face.

 _"_ _Don't push it Mike, or I swear to God…"_

 _"_ _Mike? Is everything ok?"_ They could listen to Rachel sleepy voice coming from the bedroom.

 _"_ _Yes, babe, relax, it is just me and Harvey having some drinks. Go back to sleep that I will fill you in tomorrow"_

 _"_ _Fill my glass, you little prick". Mike poured some more whisky in the glasses._

 _"_ _So Harvey, don't get me wrong, what really happened?"_

 _"_ _I have told you already, you moron. I was at PSL, trying to find she and Louis, he was nowhere to be seen, she was at her office. I got inside, was about to tell her about Jessica and that was it, she kissed me"_

 _"_ _Wow, Donna never cease to amaze me. How was it?!"_

 _"_ _Have you ever seen that woman, how do you think it was?"_

Harvey saw the playful look in Mike's face and quickly added _"Don't you dare to image anything about her, your filthy bastard"._

 _"_ _What are you going to do now? Have you made up your mind of who do you want?"_

 _"_ _I am in no position to choose anyone. I have to come clean with Paula. I have to apologize to Donna, we kind of had a fight after the kiss. And in the mean time I have to save my firm and convince Donna to help us by performing a miracle of put up a party in two business days"._

That made him realize that at least he had a plan. Talking his shit with Mike at least helped him to organize his thoughts and set a strategy for his next moves.

 _"_ _I will get going, I have a hell of lot of things to do tomorrow, I mean today. Thank you, Mike, say sorry to Rachel for me, I see you both in the morning. Don't be late"._


	4. Chapter 4

He never thought he would be so grateful to arrive at an empty house.

He noticed a few missed calls from Paula, but he was unable to deal with her right now, he didn't know what to think about those things Donna pointed out, his relationship with Paula was caught up in this huge mess, and the only thing he wanted was to tell her the truth, and that would take a long talk.

He only manages to send a meeting invitation to Louis and Donna for eight o'clock, briefly introducing the problem that they would have to face in the next morning, before getting in the shower.

The warm water was undoing the tension knots in his shoulders and clarifying his confused mind.

Flashes of what happened since Jessica's visit came back to him in no particular order, and, as much he tried to push it away, the memory of Donna kissing him was the most insistent one, as if his body was wanting to experience that moment all over again.

He couldn't stop thinking about her and everything they have been through all these years. She has been part of his life, playing a central role, longer than anyone else he knew. That thought made him comfortable with part of his confused feelings. _Of course, I love her!_ _How couldn't I?! She has been with me since the beginning._

While he realizes that to love Donna is not something he feels or should feel sorry or ashamed, he also admits, in that private moment, with no one to judge him, that the guilty sensation he was feeling was solely rooted in the fact that he was not feeling sorry at all for that kiss.

Her lips and her body awakened something inside him, it was like he has been hungry for something for too long, without knowing what that hunger was about… In an unconscious level, he feels that he was hungry of her, his body was aching, desperate to touch her, have her, love her, just as he has been doing in his dreams since that single time they actually had been together.

It was a restless night of sleep, even before eight o'clock he was already at his office, waiting for Louis and Donna. He was feeling tired and anxious, wondering how she would react, would they be able to separate business from their personal drama? He looked at his light reflection in the window and tidied his tie, doing his best to make it look perfect, afraid of giving away too much to Donna, she would easily understand what he was feeling if there was a wrinkle in the wrong spot that only she was able to see. He was afraid that she might see the hot mess he is right now.

Louis was the first one to arrive.

 _"_ _Dear lord, Harvey, I got your message yesterday, couldn't sleep not even for one second, poor Jessica, we must do something, you know she can't remain name partner being disbarred, how is it going to be now?"_

The poor man was as desperate as Harvey had imagined.

 _"_ _It is going to be 'Spector Litt', and not 'Litt Spector', that is the one thing that I know for sure, besides this nothing is really clear right now Louis, so calm the hell down. Let's wait for Donna so we can start to discuss our options"_

 _"_ _I am here"._ Her voice was calm and collected. He freezes knowing she is behind him, and quickly says _"Good, let's start it then"_ walking towards his chair, even before turning to see her, just to buy some time so he could put up a neutral expression on his face.

The effort was worthless, he was completely astonished once he saw her absolutely flawless, ready to a Valentino runway show, in a sleeveless black dress, with a perfect fit, her face as beautiful as always, not giving away what she has been through since the night before.

Donna looked Harvey straight in his eye, and suddenly he felt naked, she could really see him, she could see past that facade he was showing. Clearing his throat in order to steady his voice and his nerves, he starts _"Well my friends, it is no longer a matter of debate, Jessica is being disbarred in NYC"_

Louis looked angry and was about to contest, but Harvey rose his voice _"And this, Louis, is not my decision, so arguing with me won't make Jessica change her mind and believe me I've tried…"_

Talking out loud Jessica's decision with his partners in order to organize the next steps made it real, and for the first time he was actually grasping the consequences of that change. It is a fact that the last year she wasn't there anymore, but her presence was tangible every time he arrived and saw her name on that wall, it made him feel protect somehow. His worries became crystal clear in his face, he was tired and defeated. That didn't go unnoticed by Louis and most certainly not to Donna as well.

 _"_ _Sorry Harvey, I can see you are feeling it too. Do you have something in mind? We need to act fast, once this juicy news hit the fan, firms all over Manhattan will act as vultures chasing Jessica's clients with tempting promises"_

 _"_ _I thought that we should do a public announcement of her departure, controlling what kind of information her clients will get, so we can get them to sign new contracts with us. I thought a cocktail farewell party, in which we could try to sell that the firm is merely branching out to Chicago, Jessica could attend the party, endorsing our current services to her former clients"_

 _"_ _For how long Jessica stays in town?"_ Donna talked for the first time, and asked with a suspicious tone in her voice.

 _She is unbelievable!_ He notices that Donna, with a simple question, showed that she had already realized the problem they were facing, that she would face, to be more accurate.

He was uncertain on how address his, absurd and yet necessary, idea with her. _See that is why we shouldn't mingle business and love._

But suddenly something hit him. He soon realized that since the beginning of the meeting she was acting in a really professional way, not letting appear anything about their last and extremely personal encounter, she was guiding him on how he should behave in the professional grounds.

Thus, he decided to act just as he would have behaved in the same situation minus the kiss, and the fight, and the consuming desire to make love with her, and all the other mixed feeling he has been feeling since then. He wore his best crocked smile and said, trying to sound casual, _"Jessica is staying for three days more, so the cocktail party should happen tomorrow night and I thought that you could arrange it for us, Donna"._

Her name played in his tongue, he enjoyed saying it out loud. D-o-n-n-a, it was provocative and sexy. It was like a promise of the wonders and pleasures that its owner could offer him. _How come she can be this calm and I am here having a boner because of her name!_

Desiring Donna was a painful path as it always came accompanied with guilty thoughts, he used to be so sure that he would never be a cheater, considering his sad and traumatic history with his mom, but in the last hours of his life he simply couldn't silence all these boiling feelings that her kiss made him aware of their existence.

His practical mind accepted that he liked Paula very much, she brought security and a more peaceful perspective of life, with her his life was simpler. He felt calmer around her, she could make his mind turn off from work at least for a little while, he could be just like everybody else. And those are things that maybe he was not willing to give up. On the other hand, in order to be with Donna, he would have to renounce a healthy relationship to be on board of something too intense, there are too much love, too much craving between them, those intense feelings could put his work and personal environment at risk, and that was way too scary.

Listening to that impossible task left Donna astonished. In fact, it was Louis the first one to understand the implications of what Harvey just said and manage to reply accordingly. _"What the hell Harvey?! How can we organize this in two days?! Not even Donna and her awesomeness will be able to do it"_

 _"_ _How many people are we talking about, Harvey?",_ she asked, looking focused and driven.

" _Around a hundred or so…"_

Louis was still rejecting the idea " _Those people would feel underappreciated being invited in such short notice"_

 _"_ _We can make it happen!"_ Donna wasn't pissed with the task, she was actually in her element, it was noticeable how much she was enjoying being this important and necessary to the firm.

 _"_ _Ok, you two, listen carefully, we are going to tell them it is a homage to Jessica, that is why it is in such short notice, so she can attend it. Besides, both of you will call each and every one of Jessica's clients and will personally invite them, making sure they receive the right amount of flattering"_

 _"_ _Donna, we still have the location problem, where are we going to squeeze all these people?"_

 _"_ _Louis, be calm, I might know someone that is dying to have an excuse to help me out, and happens to own an exquisite and exclusive piano bar upper west side, so give five minutes, just to check the address, I'll be right back",_ Donna left Harvey's office quickly, leaving the two lawyers bewildered.

 _"_ _I knew she could make it Louis!"_ Harvey was excited, _"See Louis, people's life is like this"_ , he said pointing his hand at his waist high, _"but ours is like this"_ this time pointing his hand higher than his head, _"and this is how I like it!"_

" _She certainly is the most amazing woman that I have ever met. You know Harvey, I once told this to Donna, but it is you who should have listened, 'You have no idea how lucky you are for having Donna'. I will fetch Mike, so he can help me to find Jessica's client list, so we can start doing the calls"_

Louis words got him disarmed. Donna was too important, too special. _How come I would ever have the guts to have a relationship with her, and threaten all she represents to everybody in this firm, including him…_

He was lost in thoughts when she rushed herself inside the office, before realize he was alone there. She suddenly didn't look as collected as she appeared minutes before, on the contrary, she looked nervous and unsteady.

 _"_ _Where is Louis?"_

 _"_ _He just left to find Mike, they are going through the files to get Jessica's clients list, so we can start to call them. Is everything ok? You looked alarmed, something went wrong with the location you suggested?"_

 _"_ _Hum.. what?! No, everything is fine, here is the address. The place will be opened just for us, I mean, our party"_

She approached a bit unsure and left a piece of paper with the address of the bar on his desk with a bit of shaking hands.

That is when Harvey realizes, she is this nervous and uncomfortable because they are finally alone in the room. So earlier she was just playing her part so Louis wouldn't notice anything, but right now, she was unable to keep the charade. She was clearly shaken with everything that happened with them too.

 _"_ _Hum Donna, since we have this minute alone, I would like to apologize for the things that I told you last night, I never meant to hurt you, I guess I was, even better, am a bit overwhelmed with everything you shared with me, and I must confess, that in order to respect your rule I suppressed for years some kind of feelings that I used to have towards you, and being in contact him them all over again let me a bit confused where my heart is, besides, I still haven't talked to Paula"_

Donna interrupted his speech, she looked serener now _"See Harvey, I appreciate your words, I was really worried that last night could interfere with our workplace dynamic, and I guess we dealt with it. Concerning our private debate, I must come clean and say that I don't expect anything from you. All those things that I said and done I did them for my sake, so I don't get to a point in my life that I look back and regret never acting on my feelings, but now I am in peace with myself, I know that I did what was at my reach. It worked as some kind of closure for me, and I feel, even hurting, that I am ready to follow with my life. So right now, all I can hope for you is that you succeed to be true to yourself too… Honestly, I can see from your tie that you are still having problems with that..."_

 _That last phrase came accompanied with a kind of nervous, but yet sassy wink._

 _"_ _So, if you excuse, I have a party to organize in the next hours that my crazy boss assigned to me"_

With that she left his office, leaving him even more lost then before.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey everyone, I just realized that I can leave a message for you guys here. Thank you for reading this fic, I hope you are having as much fun as I do writing it. Many thanks for the reviews too, it is** **awesome** **to get some feedback. Sorry for taking so long to post new chapters, English is not my first language (it is more like my hobby), so I have to double check everything =). Hope you enjoy this new chapter! xoxo**

* * *

 _Damn tie! How can she be so accurate on how I fell just by looking to a fucking tie?_

He couldn't be more confused about his personal life, actually, he never bother before to give this much thought to his personal life. _What did she mean with closure? She leaves me in this chaos and is ready to follow her life? Is this some kind of joke?_

Mike and Louis arrived in time to see his frowned face.

 _"_ _Why so serious, Batman?"_ Mike tried to do his best Joker impression. He already knew that Donna saved the day, so he was in a good mood carrying a cart full of folders with details on Jessica's clients, so they could learn those cases, and be in contact with them to make the invitation. _"I heard Donna took good care of you"_ Mike said with a malicious voice and a large smile, quickly adding _"I mean, good care of the office",_ keeping Louis clueless.

He wouldn't acknowledge that stupid joke. _"Yes, she did and I was wondering where the hell you two were, we have tons of work to do!"_

That couldn't be truer, Donna and Rachel were out all day arranging things to the party.

It was late night when they finished making all the calls and working on the due cases, Jessica had already confirmed her presence, and was pretty surprise with what they manage to do in such short notice.

At this moment, Harvey knew it was time to contact Paula and wasn't feeling ready to do this task at all.

 _"_ _Hey Paula"._ He said a bit nervous.

 _"_ _Hey Harvey"._ Her voice was sweet and loving, Harvey relaxed a little bit, and she continued _"It is lovely that you finally learnt how to answer your phone. I am happy for you"._

 _Damn it, she is British you moron!_

 _"_ _Sorry, I have been catch in the middle of"_

 _"_ _I know, I know, another office crises, I just keep wondering what did happen this time?"._ She was definitely impatience.

 _"_ _Jessica is being disbarred in NYC, we are literally trying to keep all her clients and save the firm"._ He said that with a harsh voice, regretting doing it immediately. _She has no fault, you idiot._

 _"_ _Oh! Sorry, Harvey, I didn't mean to… This is really serious. How can I help you?"_

He felt bad, the office wasn't the only reason why he kept avoiding her, but he couldn't say the other reason by phone either. He would have to postpone that talk.

 _"_ _We are arranging a farewell party to Jessica, so we can be in contact with her clients too. It will be tomorrow at a piano bar, I want you to come with me."_

 _"_ _Ok, I will meet you at your place, so we can go together"_

The hours until the event just flew by, everybody was extremely busy, making sure everything would be perfect.

He had just finished getting ready to the party when Paula arrived. She looked lovely in a light blue dress, that matched her eyes, it was a bit loose around her body, and went down until her knees.

 _"_ _Hi!"_ She said shyly, kissing briefly his lips _. "Do you think this is appropriate? I am not really used to this kind of event?"_

 _"_ _More than appropriate, you look beautiful"._

His heart was torn, she was adorable, it was making him feel even more guilty. The past two days, he wasn't sure if he should tell about the kiss to Paula. After a huge internal debate, he understood that he wouldn't be able to lie to her, but he was also decided to tell her after the party.

However, seeing her standing there weakened his decision. It didn't seem right with her leave her blindsided, even more considering they were heading to a party that Donna would be too.

 _"_ _Why don't you sit here. I am glad you arrived here a bit earlier, we need to talk about something"_

She seemed to be somewhere between intrigued and worried.

 _"_ _What is it Harvey, I can feel you are worried. You just disappeared the last couple of days. Did something else happen? I mean besides all the trouble you are having with Jessica leaving the office..."_

 _"_ _Yes… I really don't know how to address it with you. Because never in my life I thought that I would find myself in this position"._ He was nervous and unsure, but decided that the best way of dealing with it was just say it for once, like ripping off a Band-Aid.

 _"_ _Two nights ago, I was at the office, trying to solve things out about Jessica, I had a meeting with Donna, she was pretty shaken because of her session in court, it was quite traumatic the whole thing, and we… we shared a kiss"_

Poor Paula, she looked hurt. She didn't say anything for a while and that anticipation was killing him.

 _"_ _Well, I won't lie, this isn't entirely a surprise for me…"._ It seemed like she was actually talking to herself. _"Was it just a kiss?"_ She finally looked at him, and asked as if she was trying to measure the damage.

 _"_ _A really, really, brief one, if I may add. I'm so very sorry for putting you in this position. I don't want you to think not even for a second that you are not loveable, like you once said. This is not a sick pattern, I am not a cheater…"_. He was feeling as devastated as he had imagined. " _You know me better than anyone, all the issues that I have with infidelity, it was never my intention to put you in this horrible position"._

She seemed lost in thoughts, but finally said _"You see Harvey, I am trying my best here to behave as the girlfriend, avoiding to over analyze this situation, but I noticed that you said you are sorry for 'putting me in this position', you didn't say you were sorry for the kiss. Do you regret it? Because, I can try to forgive you and carry on with our lives, but how come will I do it if you aren't asking to be forgiven at all?"_

 _Shit!_ His guard was down. He was trying to fix things with her, he was trying to be honest, so it would be illogical to start it by saying a lie and the truth is that he was having difficult to understand what he was feeling and where his heart was, but not now or ever he would regret that kiss, that allowed him to feel her body so close to him, and her sweet flavor. Before he could notice, he was answering Paula much as a defense to cover his weakness.

 _"_ _It was a spur of the moment thing. Donna and I have shared a lot of things in life, she was confused trying to figure out her feelings for me..."_

 _"_ _Did she?"_

 _"_ _She admitted being in love with me since…" Oh no!_ He wasn't expecting being this honest, he didn't need to explain the past to come clear about the present, but it was too late, she had already a suspicious look in her face.

 _"_ _Since what, Harvey?"_

His voice was low. _"Since we were together one night, just once, over a decade ago…"_

Her face abruptly shifted to a horror look. _"What? You never told me that! You two have actually been together?! This thing between you two isn't entirely platonic, this change things Harvey!"_

She was definitely nervous, more than that, she looked frightened.

 _"_ _How so?! It was more than ten years ago, and the day after it happened she resumed working with me and we never mentioned it anymore"_

 _"_ _Oh my God, Harvey, what have we done? What have I done?"_ She couldn't remain sat anymore, she was too disturbed, her eyes were frozen, her hands were cold, and she was rubbing one against the other, while she walked in circles.

 _"_ _I read you wrong! I didn't do my job properly"._ At this point, tears started to roll down her eyes.

 _"_ _Paula, calm down, you have to calm down, everything is ok"._ Harvey tried to calm her, holding both of her arms.

She freed herself from his touch, looking a bit disgusted.

 _"_ _I made an honest mistake, I thought… I thought that the panic attacks, the frustrations, the denial, those things that started with Donna leaving you to work with Louis were entirely based with the problems that you faced with your mother. For me it was clear that you were projecting in Donna all your family problems. But no! You two have your own history. She, herself, your history together, she actually leaving you were the reasons you had panic attacks, not the projections that I had imagined!"_

He was listening, but it was hard, it is always hard to be confronted with his feelings for Donna.

 _"_ _Dear lord, Donna was even once in my clinic, looking for you, she was distressed, because of something that was going on at the office, she sat down for a while, I never mentioned it to you because I didn't give much attention back then… She mentioned that you didn't know what you were missing… Now I can see she meant it personally and not as your employee"_

Suddenly he realized that her words started echoing Donna's that other night at the rooftop. Donna thought that Paula was playing dumb not noticing their feelings one another, but she was actually in the dark, without a piece of information that he willfully didn't provide her. He could see, with sadness, that he had played them both.

 _"_ _I guess I was so lost in my own pain, with my marriage ending, and you are so charming and was gone for so long before coming back interested in me, that I believed that you were actually interested in me and I just let this thing between us happen, but this is utterly wrong, and unethical. Dear lord! I was your therapist! I should have seen it… Knowing this now, that you two actually have been together I realize…"._ That petit woman sat for a while in his couch looking completely defeated.

 _"_ _What Paula? What do you realize?"_ He was completely devastated to see her this distressed and scared.

 _"_ _I can see it clearly now, it was written all over your face, only I couldn't read it back then, you were, you are emotionally unavailable, Harvey! You are stuck for the last decade with a feeling you can't admit to yourself, no wonder you have tried to have relationships with woman after woman and they all sink. You love Donna, and have loved for over a decade!"_

Now was his time to sit, so he could regain a bit of his strength, this truth was reverberating in his mind, flashes of the last decade, of their history, moments they shared together, memories of her beautiful face, the orange tones her hair gets when in the sun light, her laugh, their private jokes, her love for theatre, all the times he went to plays just to see her on stage… His trail of thoughts was interrupted.

 _"Now I understand, I was so stupid! Because of your trauma with your mother, you think that loving someone leaves a door open to be severally hurt, so you just block this feeling. You are unable to access your deepest feelings for her afraid that by doing so you will be exposed and weak. You are too afraid to love and be hurt all over again. So, you navigate through meaningless relationship just because you can't endure the idea of being hurt by Donna, yet you can't live without her, you need her so much that you kept her near all those years"_

 _"_ _You are not a meaningless relationship! I am so, so sorry if I made you think you are!"_ He was saddened to see Paula this torn.

" _Listen Harvey, funnily enough, I am the one who owe an apology for you two. You were in a vulnerable position, I was your therapist, you looked for me crying for help, and I just couldn't see the real problem, I put myself between you two, but I most certainly didn't do this on purpose. This thing that happened between us was unappropriated, and I may not ever forgive myself"._

 _"_ _No Paula, this was not your fault, we were mutually involved, I am a grown man, for God's sake!"_

 _"_ _Harvey, Freud created the concept of transference, we learn since the beginning that patients may fall in love with their therapist, but this kind of love is temporary, and is related with the experience the patient is living, this is usually part of the healing process. I should have realized that, but I was in a fragile position too and… I am so sorry"_

He remembered that Donna said that to him, that he was transferring his feelings for her to Paula, and that drove him utterly mad, but now it was Paula admitting she failed him.

 _"_ _Donna said that this was happening…"_

 _"_ _She is a very bright and wise woman, go for her Harvey, you will never be able to be fully happy without experiencing this love. Be brave. I am sorry that I put you in a position that made you believe you were a cheater, you two belong together. I have to leave now, please don't come looking for me ever again"._

And she left, leaving him completely immerse in his crazy thoughts.


	6. Chapter 6

It was his phone insistently ringing that brought him back to reality.

 _"_ _Harvey, what the hell, where are you? Everybody is already here, and the clients are starting to arrive too."_

" _Say sorry to everyone Mike, I was in the middle of something but I'm on my way"_

Twenty minutes later he finally arrives at the bar, it was absolutely amazing, it was in a rooftop, with an incredible view of the city, there were an internal and an external area, the ambient light was soft and a bit low, coming from the many chandeliers, there were beautiful armchairs against the walls, leaving room in the middle so people could circulate more easily. The soft melodies coming from the piano were perfect to uniform the noise coming from people chatters.

The place was already packed with people, the service seemed perfect, everybody looked satisfied. He was surprised, how Donna was able to organized this amazing party in two days, and again he wasn't surprised at all, it was Donna, and she is indeed awesome.

He started greeting clients on his way in, officially, they were celebrating Jessica official depart, and were happy for being contacted and invited to make part of it.

For more than half an hour, he was talking to people when he finally spotted Mike and Rachel, they were both impeccably dressed, and waved to him.

 _"_ _Looking handsome, mister Specter"_

 _"_ _You don't look half bad yourself either, mister Ross. Hi Rachel, you look lovely, thank you for all this, it is amazing"._

Rachel blushed a little with the compliment, she wasn't used to have personal conversations with Harvey, or have her work noticed and appreciated by him, so she quickly replied.

 _"_ _Thank you, Harvey, it does look amazing, but the truth is Donna took care of everything, she is incredible, I just helped her a little bit"_

 _"_ _Harvey! You arrived! Can you believed that I was about to leave NYC without knowing this place! You have to check the view outside!"_ Jessica arrived with Louis and they were both looking cheerful, carrying their champagne.

 _"_ _I will certainly do that later, thank you for coming Jessica, I have talked with a few people, they all seemed on board with 'Spector Litt'",_ he said that toasting with Louis.

 _"_ _They are indeed! What took you so long to arrive here anyway? I have been doing most of the work the whole night. Don't expect that this is how is going to be, Harvey"_

 _"_ _Sorry Louis, it wasn't my intention at all to leave you at an incredible bar, with amazing food and drinks, delightful friends, and the most amazing music doing all the work all by yourself, I had a personal problem that I had to deal before coming here, that was all"_

 _"_ _Ok you are forgiven, where is Paula, by the way?"_

He didn't know if he was ready to talk about it yet, but he saw no point in postponing the news, so he answered straight forward.

 _"_ _She was the personal problem that I was dealing with, we broke up"_

That information took everyone by surprise.

 _"_ _I am sorry Harvey"_ Louis was really sorry, he has been a bit sentimental since his reencounter with Sheila.

Everyone else seemed a bit embarrassed and surprised, except for Mike, who was making an actual effort to not look cheered up with the news.

Jessica was the first one to break the uncomfortable silence. _"So where is Donna, I am dying to congratulate her and ask how the hell she found this place and got to book it with only two days' notice"._

He was grateful for Jessica asking about Donna, he was crazy to see her, but wasn't in the mood to let anyone knows that. It was Rachel who replied.

 _"_ _She is all over the place, making sure everything is perfect"_

Jessica looked grateful, _"Well she better starts enjoying this lovely party she organized too, everything is perfect and the poor woman deserves a little fun"_

The little PSL, soon to be SL, family reunion was soon interrupted by some clients that were dying to talk to Jessica, Harvey and Louis, and they all engaged in a cheerful conversation.

He was trying to seem interested and make contact with those people, it was an important evening, but in fact he had only one thing in his mind, Donna. He was dying to see her, to talk to her, to thank her for tonight. Say sorry to her one more time, explain to her his break up. He was looking covertly over his shoulders, trying to find her, but she was nowhere to be found.

It was Mike who called his attention. " _You seem anxious my friend, missing something?"_

He was about to answer when the ambient music suddenly changed its beat, from the classics it shifted to a jazz ballade, this new tune was so full of heart that suddenly everybody just stopped talking for a while to look from where that intriguing sound was coming from, when they all realized that a new pianist was playing. There she was, sat facing the huge piano, with the lights pointing to her.

She was sitting up straight, fully concentrated in the keys she was playing. His heart stopped for a bit, she was a vision, her hair braid to one side, falling in her naked shoulder was glowing under the lights of the stage. She was wearing one-shoulder dress, white with golden lace ornaments, that was perfectly framing her lean silhouette. It had an opening along those legs that would go on forever up high her thigh, leaving nothing to the imagination.

He lost himself completely looking at her and listening to her presentation. When she finally finished, everyone was clapping and cheering. She was standing up there, thanking everyone, when their eyes met, and she gave him a shy smile. His heart took a leap, she was absolutely dazzling.

Jessica was the first to acknowledge _"Oh my God! She was amazing, I never knew Donna could play piano so well"._

He was absolutely speechless and intrigued, never in all this years he knew this about her. _What is there yet to be found? Even after all those years she still manages to surprise me. She knows everything about me, but I don't know much about her._

It was Rachel, with a low voice, who filled them in. _"She explained to me that she used to have a piano when she was a teenager and was absolutely in love with it, and used to practice for hours every day, but her father lost everything, so she lost her piano too. Ever since then she looks for places like this where she can practice and play, that is how she first discovered this place and met Mitchell, he owns here"_

 _"_ _I would like to meet him if possible, Rachel, to thank him for tonight"_

 _"_ _Sure, he is here, in fact he is talking with Donna right now, look over there. He was more than happy to help her, reserving tonight for us, it has been a while since they last spoke and I think he still has a thing for her"._

He knew who Mitchell was, he never actually saw him before, but she mentioned him when they were having dinner together a while ago. _That is why she said she knew someone that was dying to have an excuse to help her out_. _Mitchell was still interested in her, who wouldn't be, you idiot. So much time lost…_ The weight of his lousy decisions these past years started to bother him.

He tried very much to push aside the consuming jealousy he was feeling, but that became impossible when he saw that man approach her, he couldn't help but measure his opponent, he was a tall, good-looking brunet, who was way too close to her, and now was kissing her cheek much longer than necessary.

 _What the hell, she is single, she can be with whomever pleases her, you have no right to feel like this. For all that matters, right now she thinks that you still are in a relationship._ _Besides she did say that she was ready to follow with her life, maybe she has already started._

He was trying to steady himself and push away these thoughts, but the anger and frustration were consuming him, reaching its peak when that guy slide his hand through her back, holding her waist and pulling her closer to him and whispered something in her ears, and she laugh back at him.

Suddenly, the bar seemed too crowded and hot, the air was becoming sparse, his tie was uncomfortable and too tight around his neck, his heart was racing. _Oh no, not here._ He tried really hard to disguise his torment, but he wasn't able to hide it anymore. It was Mike, who already saw him go through a similar panic attack before, who recognized the symptoms and reach him.

 _"_ _Harvey calm down, everything is all right"_. Mike said it with an urgent and low voice, giving Harvey a glass of water, taking him a bit away from those people, trying to block their vision on Harvey with his back. Jessica and Rachel realized that something wasn't right with him, but Mike concealed the situation. _"Don't you worry, his champagne went down through the wrong pipe, he choked a little, but will be fine in a second"._

Donna noticed the turmoil around her friends and marched towards them, it took her a second to realize the crisis Harvey was in.

He was listening but wasn't being able to focus on anything, he was feeling that he was about to throw up and faint any minute now, just to breath and to be up stand was becoming even more difficult.

He was on the edge of fainting, when he saw her beautiful face, she grasped his face with both hands and calmly talked to him, looking deep into his eyes _"Hey I am here, look at me, everything is fine. Now breath with me"._ She inhales and exhales a couple of times, he was mimicking her, regaining a bit of his control.

Mike quickly explained her the facade story he came up so she would play along, he knew too well that she knew what was going on. _"He choked with the champagne"_

 _"_ _Yes, I bet he did. Come with me Harvey, let's go outside, a bit of fresh air will help you"._ She said that grabbing him by his waist, straightening him up, walking him out through the double doors that lead to the terrace area of the bar, to lean against the rail that guards the view.

For someone who was looking from the outside Mike story was pretty convincing, everybody was alarmed at first, but once they realized that Harvey seemed alright they resumed their conversations. Jessica and Louis were trying their best to minimize the incident and engaged a cheerful talk with the ones that were closer.

The terrace was beautifully decorated, it had string lights hanging around the trees, was less noisy allowing people to have a more private conversation.

The fresh air was already doing it tricks, he was feeling better, the fresh air and her presence, to be fair, were the elixir to end his despair.

He was secure in her arms, the side of their bodies were touching, her warmth was making him feel better.

The last couple of days they had more physical contact than the last decade. It was so pleasant that he was almost thanking God for the panic attack that provide him this moment.

She started to let him go once she realized he was better, he wanted to protest against it, but didn't have the courage.

" _Hey, are you feeling better? You had a…"_ She was unsure if talking about it right now was the best move.

 _"_ _A panic attack"_ He quickly replied.

 _"_ _Sorry, it has been a while since I last played, I certainly didn't know I was that bad, or was it the jazz choice, not much your cup of tea?"_ She started their conversation with a playful tone.

Even though he was still recovering he couldn't help but laugh, and that felt so good.


	7. Chapter 7

The night was pleasant, the breeze wasn´t cold, they were in quiet and reserved corner of the balcony, disguised by the plants decorating the space. He was feeling better already, being outside with her was like magic, she looked so beautiful, and for the first time in years, he was letting himself admire her without feeling anxious and trying to suppress this feeling. He decided to keep the conversation in a light tone for as long as he could.

 _"_ _Actually, it could have been a surprise attack! Donna, you are a wonderful pianist, why did you never tell me that?"_

 _"_ _You never asked me, and that is not something you just go around bragging about, 'good morning, here is your schedule, by the way, I can play the piano'"_

 _"_ _Anyway, you were amazing, you should do it more often"_

 _"_ _I do it quite often, Mister! I don't own a piano, so whenever I have some spare time at the weekends I go to places like this to practice and play a little bit"_

 _"_ _Shame on me, all this time I thought that you expended it buying dresses and handbags…"._ She rolled her eyes and he continued. " _But I believe you, you must come here a lot, I mean you and that guy seemed quite close. Does he come here a lot too?"._ She looked uncomfortable with the comment _. Idiot, this is you trying to keep it cool?_

 _"_ _Don't play dumb, Harvey. We seemed close because we are close, 'that guy' is Mitchell, my ex-boyfriend, which I once mentioned about, he owns this place. I broke up with him a long time ago, we remain kind of friends, he certainly still has a thing for me, and I took advantage of it to book this place for us tonight, so instead of giving me a hard time you should be grateful. Besides, we are pass this phase when we say something meaning something else, right now all cards are on the table, you know how I feel and you have no right to be asking me about my decisions when you are in a relationship yourself…"_

 _"_ _Indeed, you are right… about most of it"_

Donna looked suspicious.

 _"_ _What?! Miss-I-can-read-everything-in-everyone's-face, don't you know what is going on?"_

 _"_ _Explain me, Harvey, what am I wrong about?"_

 _"_ _Ok, let's see, yes, you are right, I should be thankful, and I really am, everything is perfect… you especially, you dazzled me, you are stunning"._ He couldn´t help but flirt with her.

She blushed. _"You look handsome too"_

 _"_ _Thank you. So, the second thing is, yes, I knew who he was, I remember our conversations. I was just messing with you, because when I saw you two talking I figured that you were already following with your life, like you said to me that you would do. I felt so jealous, that you two looked so intimate, with all the kissing and touching, it bothered me to my core, but…"_

 _"_ _But 'that doesn't mean anything'?"_ She completed his sentence with their old motto, and a disappointing look on her face.

" _No Donna, I was going to say that, 'it bothers me, but… I have no right to feel this way, you are a beautiful, independent, fun and intelligent single woman and you have every right to be with him, if that is what you want'"._

 _"_ _I am not with him, Jesus, he was just congratulating me. Come on, I barely had time to eat these past two days, organizing this, do you really think that I would manage to 'follow with my life'? So, as far as I can see, the only thing left for me to be wrong about is you being in a relationship?"_

 _"_ _Precisely. I was talking to Paula before coming here, I told her that we kissed…"_

 _"_ _Oh Harvey, I am sorry that you had to go through that, you should have told her that I caused it, that I kissed you"._ She was a bit ashamed, looking to her hands.

He touched her chin, lightly, bringing up her face _"Well, I kissed you back, at least, for solid two seconds, before you ran away"._ He had a smile playing in his lips, trying to cheer her up.

 _"_ _How did she take it?"_

 _"_ _We had a long talk. She was not surprised about the kiss. She had already told me that she believed that you have feelings for me. But when I told her that you and I have a history together, that we have actually been together once, she pretty much panic, saying that this info changed her perception towards my mental condition and our relationship. Just as you said before… she understood that I was transferring the feelings that I have for you to her. We broke up, and I most certainly should seek a new therapist"_

Donna looked like she was processing this news.

 _"_ _Therefore, as a single man myself, I guess feeling such strong feelings towards you, to the point it gave me a panic attack just to imagine that you might be with somebody else… Well I think it means everything"._

 _"_ _You just had a break up, Harvey, you don't need to tell me these things now, take your time, and figure out what you are feeling"_

 _"_ _I don't need time, too much time has passed, more than ten years! We lost too much time! You know that I love you, I have told you so already. What I never told you is that I do see you that other way too, I desire you, I can see you like the beautiful and sexy woman that you are"._

He said that while getting close to her, holding her face with both his hand _. "Just standing here by your side, watching you inside this dress, is driving me crazy. I always saw you as a woman, Donna, but you had your rule and I was too afraid to face this feeling. So, I want you to know that I am ready now and more than willing to let this two worlds collide if you are too"_

She had a small smile on her lips and a light blush in her cheeks. She looked so beautiful. He couldn't help anymore, feeling her perfume, looking into those eyes, that perfect body wrapped in that exquisite white dress … It felt like they were alone in that poorly lighted balcony, the song was playing low in the background, everything felt so perfect that he leaned in and kissed her.

It started really gentle, he just brushed his lips against hers. His heart was racing. He could sense she was giving in to him, so with the tip of his tongue he tasted her bottom lip. She took a deep breath, parting her mouth, inviting him in, and that was absolutely delicious, their tongues finally met and were dancing together a familiar song, as if they were waiting for it for too long. He slides his hand through her back, pulling her closer to him, the kiss became deep and urgent, they were drowning on that overwhelming feeling. Her hands were caressing the back of his head and neck, she felt so warm in his arms, and their bodies were melting into each other's. He pressed his arousal against her and a small moan escaped her lips.

Some time has passed while they were completely lost in their moment.

 _"_ _OMG, I knew you were in a bad shape, but I would never figure you would need a mouth-to-mouth, thanks God, Donna is here to help you out. If you were depending on me, I don't know, you might be dead already"_

Mike brought them back to reality, they reluctantly broke the kiss, Donna tried to put some space between them, but he wouldn't let go of her waist. She was completely taken aback by the kiss to fight his decision to remain so close to her, but couldn't help but laugh at Mike's joke.

 _"_ _You are always so thoughtful and convenient, Mike"_ Harvey, didn't even bother to look at him.

 _"_ _I am kidding, folks, I would totally save you man!"_ Mike said still playing with the situation.

 _"_ _What the hell do you want?"_ He asked, finally looking at Mike, incredulous and angry that he was really ruining that moment.

 _"_ _Look I tried to wait for a while, until you guys were… hum finished, but I was getting old here and you were still dealing with it, so I had to interrupt. I was sent on a mission to fetch you to talk with a few clients inside, if I take too long Louis can start to worry and come here too. See, all this time I was helping you! And what do I get in return? Inconsideration for my feelings! This is traumatic to me, it was like walking in on mom and daddy, get a room you two"_

" _OMG_ , _Shut up, Mike"._ Now it was Donna who lost it with Mike.

Mike laughed and was leaving them two to have a moment alone, but not before rushing them again. _"Hurry up, Mister Paulsen"_

Donna left Harvey's embrace and started fixing her make-up when she looked at Harvey and notice he was covered in lipstick, and started to laugh. _"Oh my, your face is covered with my lipstick, let me clean you"_

 _"_ _Hum, that reminds me of something…"_ He leaned in and whispered in her ear, " _The last time you cleaned me…I was covered with your whip cream, you were remarkable efficient on that task",_ pulling her close to him again to give her a brief kiss.

She smiled to him and said. _"Well, I don't remember you being that efficient, maybe we will have to give you another run so you can prove your value"_

He had a surprised and offended face. _"Oh Donna, you shouldn't have, I am telling you, you won't remember your name once I'm done with you, mark my words, you will beg for mercy. Let's go inside, that I have some ass to kiss"_

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 **Hi everyone, hope you like this chapter, I was dying to see this two together! Thank you for the reviews, they make my day. xoxo**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hi everyone, this is the last chapter. I hope you liked this story. It was certainly a lot of fun to write it! Thank you everyone for the reviews! It is great to receive some feedback! So if you read it and have something to say, let me know! xoxo**

* * *

Once inside he had to talk with many clients, and was making a real effort to seem focused and interested, when all he wanted was to have her in his arms again, but in a private place this time. _Damn Mike._ But thinking better, at least was Mike who found them and kept his mouth shut, he didn't even want to imagine what he would have to deal if was Louis who had walked in on them.

It was past mid night when people started to leave. Jessica was saying her goodbyes and thanking her office family for putting everything together.

 _"_ _Guys, everything was perfect. I am confident that many clients will stick with Spector Litt, best of luck for you, I am going now, have a flight tomorrow morning"._

Louis was really happy, " _Oh my God, this was great. Thank you, Donna and Rachel everything went perfectly. We should celebrate!"_

Rachel and Mike seemed on board with it, but Donna wasn't. _"I really think we should celebrate, but I can't tonight, I am exhausted, these past two days were really tiresome. All I want to do right now is to go home, get rid of this dress and untangle my hair from this braid"_

He arrived from walking Jessica to the elevator just in time to listen to the last part of her phrase, and his mind provide him clear images of Donna out of that dress and several scenarios on how he could help her in that task.

Louis looked disappointed but understood. " _Ok, we will have it another day. Let's go them, I will call the cab, you can go with me, I can drop you at your place"_

Before Donna could answer, he shouted. _"No!"_. It came out more intense than he had intended, and everybody looked surprised and curious, so he tried to fix it quickly. _"I mean, you would have to make a detour on your way home, Louis, I came with my car, I can take her home, won't be a problem!"_

Louis seemed convinced and added _"So take me home too!"_

 _"_ _Sorry, two seats Ferrari"._ He said with a not really sorry face, and internally he was thanking himself for picking the Ferrari that night.

Mike watched that debate suppressing a smile.

It was Rachel who interrupted their conversation. _"Well, goodbye everyone, we are leaving now too, and you, Miss Paulsen, be safe!"_

Rachel said that with such an ironic tone that was obvious that Mike had already told her what he saw and even Louis sensed something was up. _"Yeah, Donna, are you sure you want to go with this lowlife? Have you been drinking, Harvey?"_

Mike and Rachel couldn't help but laugh.

 _"_ _Thank you, Louis for asking me what I want. But yes, I will just go with him. And Harvey and Louis be aware that tomorrow me and Rachel will have a well-deserved day off in a spa, and Specter Litt will be our sponsor!"_

Rachel looked excited. _"Donna you are the best boss! We will meet at two o`clock, I want to wake up late"_

 _"_ _It is a done deal for me, you both deserved it! And, no Louis, I am not drunk, I had half glass of champagne, almost five hours ago. In this matter, Donna will be perfectly safe"._ He couldn't suppress a wide grin and a meaningful wink to her.

 _"_ _So, if you all excuse me, I have a lady to deliver safe at home"._ He said that touching her low back and pulling her close to him, much closer than he needed if his intentions were pure.

 _"_ _You can take the morning off too Harvey, if you feel that tonight was also too much for you, with too much physical activity, at your advanced age is important to know your limits"_ Mike said that with a sarcastic worry-look.

 _"_ _Ha ha ha, you are so funny, Mike. Now the tail is wagging the dog. I am your boss, for God's sake, I will arrive at it-is-none-of-your-business. Let's go, Donna"_

After leaving the others behind a great excitement took over him, he took her hand and placed a small kiss, while looking at her eyes. _"Are you ready?"_

 _"_ _For what exactly?"_ She had a suspicious look on her face.

 _"_ _Isn't it obvious?! To get professional help on getting rid of this dress, of course!"_

She got inside the car laughing and he couldn't be happier.

She was quiet on the way to her house, she was concentrated on loosening her hair, and while doing so, waves of her delicious perfume was floating through the air, it was inebriating.

He parked in front of her building. _"We are here."_ He said that looking at her, he ran his hands through her now loosed hair, it was wavy and a bit messy, she was even more beautiful.

He reached over her face and touched delicately her lips, that parted a little and wet the tip of his finger. He continued running his finger down her chin, neck, reaching the edge of her dress and going down to where her breasts meet. Her skin was so soft and white as porcelain.

At this point she was already panting, and gave him a smile. _"Do you like my dress? Is this how I show up in your dreams?"_

He smiled back her. _"I love your dress, but my subconscious would never be able to forge it in my dreams. Down there in my mind you usually were wearing not many layers of silk bed sheets"._ They both laughed, he touched her chin and pulled her face gently towards him and kissed her, she tasted as sweet as before, her tongue was exploring his mouth and was setting fire on everything on its way.

He was determined to be a gentleman and wait for her to invite him up, but she was driving him crazy and he could not wait another second without having her _. "Can we go up?"_

She smiled at him saying yes, her desire was clear in her eyes.

He was planning his moves on the way up, he would be gentle, he would be calm, he would savor every second. However, as soon as they were both inside and she locked the door behind them, their minds were clouded by the burning and consuming craving.

They didn't manage to give one more step, his mouth met hers as if his life depended on it. He wished he had a hundred hands to touch her at the same time in all the places he wanted to feel her.

He gladly found the zipper on her back, and with a smooth movement her dress was on the floor. He stepped back to admire her wearing a white lingerie. She was a vision, that much so that he dropped to his knees, and his prayers were answered as he pulls down her panties in a slowly and painful way. She was left wearing nothing but her bra and high heels, as a miracle, he finally was facing her innermost part and couldn't wait one more second before tasting her, so he slides his tongue through her folds and her flavor takes over him.

She pushes his head against her center and moans his name. _"Oh my, Harvey"_

He can't stop kissing that soft lips of hers, savoring her wetness, to a point that she loses her strength and crashes in his lap.

She kisses his mouth and with needy hands opens his belt and undo his zipper, pulling down his pants, and with a precise movement he slides into her, and they start making love on the floor, only three steps away from the door. She was riding him, looking like a goddess, totally on control, so he undoes her bra, freeing her breasts that bounce beautifully with her movement. He puts those rose nipples in his mouth once again, and it is like heaven.

It took them three times until reaching bed, they were exhausted.

Her head was resting on his chest, he is caressing her long red hair, she looks so beautiful and so peaceful, he feels so glad that she is his. _"I love you Donna, this reality is one million times better than my wildest dreams"_

 _"_ _I love you too, Harvey",_ she says that while kissing his cheek.

 _"_ _I guess this time I won't be accused of being inefficient"_ He said with a playing smile on his lips.

 _"_ _You weren't last time either, I was just teasing you, and it certainly paid off"._

 _"_ _I guess we have a new ritual before trial"._

She looked unsure. _"I don't know, I think we can stick with the can opener at office, I mean all those glass walls, people would be chocked!"_

And laughing they both went to sleep imagining their life together at last.


End file.
